What I Never Told My Children But Apparently Should Have List

One of my favorite blogs recently made a list of things she omitted telling her children in the usual day to day parenting do's and don'ts... things we think our kids have some small inkling of sense not to do... but low and behold... they do... perhaps because we never say 'do not'.... so in the spirit of it, I'm gonna play along....  Those who know me know that I already put this on FB, but cut me some slack, I needed a first post to my brand new blog... :)  So here goes!





My 'what I never told you not to do but apparently should have told you not to do' list!



If you drop your passy in the potty, do not fish it out. Or flush it. Neither is an option... unless it's a public toilet and you may choose option #2. Option #1 is ABSOLUTELY forbidden in a public toilet. If we are at home, and it's your last remaining passy, you may fish it out (so mommy doesn't have to drive to CVS at 10pm so you will sleep) if: it is not accompanied by anything else in the bowl that is organic in nature, and you wash your passy off and never mention the incident occurred- especially to Mommy.


Do not stick marbles in bodily holes. Some holes are meant for entry, true, and some for exit, also true, but let's not test them with unnatural entry/exit materials. This includes Lego's. And btw, you who stuck a Lego up your nose, you still owe me $35 in co-pay to have the nice Doctor lady fish it out with the giant tweezers. I guess I should thank you who stuck the marble in the 'hole' for at least choosing a local that it would remove itself naturally and not cost me a co-pay.


Though thumbtacks will stick in your little sister's forehead, it is not acceptable to stick them there... even if you did shape them in the letter of her name.


Never eat anything that comes off the dog. I still have nightmares about this.


DO NOT put the male bunny and female bunny together... not even for a nanosecond. Four weeks later we will have naked mole rats we have to talk our friends into giving homes to....


You will not fit in the cat box. Especially at the vet's office when he is giving the cat shots. It causes a distraction for all involved to spend the next hour trying to squeeze you out of the little cage.


Do not leave crayons in the car during a hot Georgia summer nor in your pockets destined for the dryer. Neither turns out well.


Yes, plastic will break, so hold it with 2 hands. And don't test the polymer to see if it 'bounces'.....I refer to the 'ketchup' incident and the 64oz. pump bottle that exploded in my kitchen floor.


Mommy is not a girlie-girl. I handle most critters with little or no anxiety. However, when my eyes are closed and I appear to be napping, it is not the time to put a worm on my face and announce "I found the world's biggest worm!" Let me take this same opportunity to mention to you a little fact of biology... worms do not have eyes nor do they hiss. Good... now I can check 'science' off my homeschool list for today.


Along these same lines... let's discuss the concept of sleeping. When someone's eyes are closed for more than a second, it generally indicates they are sleeping (unfortunate guinea pig incident aside). This particular someone would like quiet. This particular someone would not like to be sat upon, asked questions, brought critters, called to come 'wipe me' in the restroom, or pretty much any other disturbance. Yelling at your siblings to 'SHUUUSSSH MOMMY IS SLEEPING' is also not helpful.


Tinkle does not kill ants. I don't care how much the 'big' kids dare you, do not pee on the anthill to see if it is, in fact, toxic to ants. At church. On the playground. With every family we know watching.

The dog will not enjoy the zip line.

The cat will not enjoy the zip line.

The rabbits will not enjoy the zip line.

The guinea pig may enjoy the zip line... go ahead and give it a try.

That's all for now. I reserve the right to revise my list at any given moment.
Love,
Mom


Addendum to my list:

Do not ask your uncle with Bell's Palsy how his Ball's Palsy is doing. Just don't.

Do not tell the waitress that you live in a concentration camp and this is the only meal you will get this week... because I will make sure it's the only meal you get this week.

Do not make up a song about the neighborhood Mexican restaurant and sing it in church. Your sunday school teacher doesn't live near 7 Tequillas, and now when I drop you off for your class, she sniffs my breath.

Btw... your sunday school teacher doesn't want to see your underwear. And she didn't know you had Hulk underwear on.... perhaps next time start your sentence with "want to see my Incredible Hulk Underoos" instead of "want to see my big green man" as you drop your drawers. Just FYI.