Official Contract for Driving the Carter’s E-350 Van

So... some friends borrowed our van for a road trip this week, we thought we'd mess with them and lay out some ground rules.  I should post something spiritual, you know, since we've just celebrated the birth of Christ and all... but this flu-cooked brain has nothing in it... so I'll share this with ya.  They are Tennessee fans, just so #10  makes sense.  Also, one was censored and thus deleted, because I'm the editor and I can.   :)

Official Contract for Driving the Carter’s E-350 Van

Rules for using the Big Green 12 Passenger Machine are as follows:

1)      There is to be no passing of flatulence in the vehicle.  If flatulence is imminent, the driver is expected to safely steer the vehicle to an appropriate shoulder of the road and allow the offender out of the van.  If, for safety’s purpose, it is impossible to exit the road in a safely manner, the flatulent passenger is expected to dispose of his/her flatulence into an inanimate object (ie.  A winter coat, sweater, stuffed animal) and properly dispose of said object.

2)      There are to be no live births in the vehicle.  This includes, but is not limited to: mammals, reptiles, amphibians, or illegal aliens.  C-Sections are considered ‘live births’ and qualify under this non-negotiable infarction of the law.

3)      The driver may not consume alcoholic beverages (crack cocaine allowed) while driving the vehicle, nor within a 6 hour period of time before driving the vehicle.  Passengers are also not allowed to consume alcohol while driving, with the exception of children under the age of seven years old.

4)      Vomiting is strictly forbidden in the vehicle.  There is to be no urping, barfing, technicolor yawning, up-chucking or puking.  This includes ‘vomiting a little into my mouth.’  No mercy is to be shown in this area: we realize the roads are curvy and it can get treacherous in the back seats… to this we say ‘cowboy up’ and stick to the rules. 

5)      It is strictly forbidden to pick your boogers while in the van.  Over the years, our children have worked hard on their own personal collections, which they keep discretely tucked away in unknown crevices of the van, and would be crushed to be out-picked by another group of children in such a short period of time.  Save your boogies for your own home and your own rugs/carpet.

6)      There will be no one by the name ‘Mark’ allowed in the van.  This includes any and all varied spellings. (Marc, Marq, Luigi)

7)      If you’re sliding into home, and your shorts are full of foam (diarrhea) you are to exit the van immediately.  Safety is no longer a factor: you are to jump out the nearest door/window regardless of the speed the vehicle may be traveling at the moment.  Notifying the driver is not necessary.

8)      The windows are not to be licked.  Inside or outside.

9)      Gum is not to be stuck on the underside of the seats.  Gum should be disposed of properly: out the window at oncoming cars, into your siblings’ ear, or swallowed.

10)    There will be no attaching Tennessee paraphernalia on the vehicle.  This includes but is not limited to:  tacky orange “T”s, misspelled words such as “Vols”, magnets, and temporary altered license plates.  Matter of fact, the color orange is not to be worn in the vehicle.

11)    *censored*

12)    Mother In Law’s (MILS) are to be confined to the mother-in-law suite (aka. The fourth row seating) unless well behaved and under control.  MILS who complain, backseat drive, wear tacky holiday sweaters, or are flatulent simply must remain in their proper locale in the back of the van.

13)    Seatbelts are to be worn at all times.  Duct tape is optional.

14)    No live animals are allowed in the vehicle. One exception is allowed and will be addressed in a later point.  Dead animals are allowed only if properly cared for by a taxidermist.

15)   There will be NO romantic moments in the van. 

16)   It should be noted that at any given moment Shaggy, Scooby, Veronica, Daphne and Fred may commandeer the vehicle for a mission to expose the ‘gardener’ as the haunting ghost in any episode of Scooby Doo.  (Scrappy Doo is not Allowed, as per rule #14.)

17)   A warning should be given to you that driving the Green Machine close to the border may arouse suspicion, especially if you refer to each other as ‘amigos’, might be eating tacos, or recently purchased a cheesy spray on tan.  Also, parking near federal establishments is a general no-no.

18)  Have fun!